Johnny Blog-a-day.

I'll be interested to look back at this.
I'm in a horrible, horrible mood, regressing.
Regressing because I've been again reminded what a fuckup I am.
I lost a friend today, a friend who means a fuckload more to me than I was willing,
so much more than I've let myself care about anyone in the past three years.
fucking stupid, stupid decision.
I hurt him because I became defensive, and I lost his trust.
I am an evil and horrible person,
I unintentionally fuck up everybody I love and care about, and I can't do it anymore,
this people are amazing, and they shouldn't have to deal with that.

This is why I need to distance myself.
right now, I believe the wisest thing to do would be to make people back off,
however annoyed they may be,
it's better that they hate me, think I'm a snob, then develop and excellent friendship that I will undoubtably fuck up.
I can't hurt anyone else.
I'm saving the world from myself.

I'll leave for France at the end of this year,
live with my aunt.
Then to America to stay with my cousin in New York.
If I don't get a job there, I'll go to Melbourne,
or get a job at that restaurant in Brisbane, and live in the flat again.
Either way, Munich will still happen.

But until I can figure out a way to break this cycle,
actually get close to someone again,
mature, and make sure that I can't harm anyone with my clumsiness and stupidity,
until then, I'll be on my own.

not to say I wont have friends, but I won't allow myself to get close.
I'm hurting like fuck right now,
I feel like the worst person in the world, and there are a million ugly thoughts in my head,
because I fucking unintentionally destroy anybody who gets too close
even my family.
these people who I love so much,
who mean so fucking much to me,
who make me happy when absolutely nothing else does.

All I want to do is protect them, give them love, make them happy,
and the only thing I need to protect them from is me.
wise words are keeping me from flying off the handle right now,
but they're just words, and I don't know how long they'll last me.

so fucking selfish.
though I'm quite sure there will be an excruciating pleasure,
watching the parts where I would have slipped,
screwed up, hurt,
watching people keep going the way they're supposed to, happy,
without me.

how I do love them all,
I don't feel anything but shame and resolution right now.