all of the time.

I have a plan for the next two years.
A dissapointing but not unexpected UAI will exclude the possibility of university.
Because of this, I'll secure a full time job, learning German on the side.
The next year, I'll move to Munich, living there for eight months.
When I return, I'll work up some money, deciding what I really want to do next,
if I haven't already.
As soon as is possible, I'll move to Melbourne University, as a mature age student,
study journalism and political sciences.

I'll work my way up as best I can, as a writer.
If this means I have to get a job in a shitty newspaper so be it.
Thats as far as I can plan, and it still looks shaky.

right now, though, I'm scared shitless.
I'm feeling what I guess is a pretty common combination of tension and dread.
Year fucking 12, and I'm only 16 years old.
I don't feel like I'm doing my HSC,
I don't feel anything right now.
I can't feel anything.

It's when people make sillhouettes against a sheet,
you recognise them, know they're there,
but they aren't quite there, something stops full recognition.

I know what emotions I should be feeling,
I feel them vaguely, but they don't effect me.
I found out today that my stress has taken a physical toll on my body.

I'm unwell.

It's not enough for my head to be fucked,
now it has to take a toll on my weight, my skin, my ability to keep my food down, my time of the month, my energy, my heart.

year 12
16 years old
60% of the HSC
2 more terms
2009
2 more years
3 more exams.

it's all fucking numbers, isn't it?

I used to crave intelligence,
someone to hold my hand,
more time to work it all out,
more independance, or more,
more care, more of anything.

Not anymore, maybe not for a while.
Now I crave clarity, an end that shows me I'm actualy working for a means right now,
show me I'm not just giving, not just dealing.
no, I don't want to take, I just want to see.
I want to be able to think again,
no excuses, just think.

so whats stopping me?
If it was a little colder,
If I had you,
If everything was clean,
If I was thin, beautiful, clever,
If I could give everyone what they wanted,
If I had more time.
It's all fucking standard.

I want to be looking back at myself already.